What a weekend...

Wow! I am so amazed at what 3 days can do to change my whole mind frame. This Power of Choice class is something that I have been waiting for and looking for my whole life. The things that I learned have changed the way I think, the things I say, and the most amazing how I feel about myself. It was such a cleansing weekend for me. I have been trying to work through all the feelings of powerlessness, loss of control emotionally. I really had no idea how to get past everything that I needed to be the real me. I had some amazing help and I met some of the most inspiring amazing women that are perfect in so many ways. It was a group of about 25 people and by the end of the three days I honestly could say that I care about each persons success. As human beings I believe when we open ourselves up to our insecurities and our weaknesses there is something so powerful about how you see a person. I was in awe of the greatness that I felt coming from these wonderful people. I could see it but the funny thing was they saw themselves just like I saw myself. By the Saturday I am telling you peoples countenance were different and they way they were starting to see themselves was just how God intended us to see ourselves. The biggest light bulb experience I had was the first night. That was the hardest for me as I searched within myself to find what the abuse when I was younger had caused me to believe. It felt so good to have a safe place to let everything out and to just finally let myself break down and cry. It was an amazing release for me. After the first night things became so much more clear. I had a wonderful friend named Dawn that really stepped me through each thing and why it was so important for me. There were some really profound things that she said that I would really like to share. "You cannot be depressed when you are present". I learned the importance of not dwelling on the past or being so worried about the future. It was amazing to me how much of me was so wrapped up in the past and future. I cannot believe how much energy I have wasted on it. It was so wonderful to come home after the fist night and actually be 100% present when I hugged my boys. Not a thing on my mind but just loving and hugging them. IT WAS SO POWERFUL. Almost scary sometimes how much love we have invested in our little ones.

The next amazingly simple thing that I learned about myself is that I have all the answers. Everything that I need in this life to get through is in me. I have all the answers sometimes I need a little help finding them and pulling them out either from those around me or from help above. That was so empowering for me. I have it all and I have no doubt that I am perfectly perfect the way that I am and everything is perfectly perfect the way it is. This does not mean that I don't want to change anything but in this very moment everything is perfect for me. I have done the best I can and that is all I can do. The only control I have over circumstances is how I react. Really it was such a great weekend for me full of many light bulb moments.

This is one of my favorite quotes of the weekend and I have read this before but it has never hit me like it did this weekend. I hope all those who are reading this know that we are all meant for greatness. There are things that we have promised we would do here on earth that only we can do. Times are getting harder and we are not meant to just "play small". There are great things that we can all do to change the world and make it better one person at a time. For some it might be a smile or talking to someone that you normally wouldn't. For me I am starting with me. I am starting to love myself and see myself for the greatness that is in me. I will do great things in this life and I will make a difference one person at a time. I love my life and I look forward to living in the present. :)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I just wanted to say thanks for all the support that I have received from friends and those around me. I am in awe of the wonderful friends I have and the words of wisdom that they have given me. Last week I started a womens self defense class that I am loving. I really have needed something that I feel will give me my power back. I realized this last week that the only way I can truly get through this and heal is through the atonement. No amount of therapy whatever kind will heal me as much as Christ can. I have been reading different books that have shed light on this for me. I also have had some neat experiences while praying to know what I should do for help this womens self defense class came up and I also had another opportunity that came up with a class called The Power of Choice. A while back I had a amazing opportunity to meet the owner and creator of a Company called Outlook. They are based in Utah and they do amazing things for people. Anyways this last month he called me and asked me if I wanted to take his class and that he will offer me it on a scholarship. He said that he only has this for a select few and that he felt very strongly that I needed to take this class. I am very excited this Thurs- Sat I am taking this class and it could not have been at a better time. I just want all that read this to know that God is aware of us. Even when we don't feel like it sometimes he is listening and is waiting for us to come to him and ask for strength and help. That is all we have to do and he is there. I KNOW he hears and answers our prayers but remember that it is on his timing not ours. If we are patient and have faith the Lord will answer our prayers. I also want to bear testimony of the power of the priesthood. Through out this trial Kyle has given me numerous blessings and they have been a huge source of strength to me and to Kyle. How powerful it is that the Lord can speak to us here on earth through the power of the priesthood. I hope that as wives and women we know that asking our husbands for blessings not only blesses our lives but the lives and testimonies of our husbands as well. So don't hesitate to ask for blessings! :) I got this in my e-mail today I wanted to share it.

"I too believe that God will always make a way where there is no way. I believe that if we will walk in obedience to the commandments of God, if we will follow the counsel of the priesthood, he will open a way even where there appears to be no way." --Gordon B. Hinckley, "If Ye Be Willing and Obedient", Ensign, Jul 1995, 2