A change for a time

Okay I know I have been so terrible at keeping up with this blog. But I think it is time for a change. Some of you may not like it so you don't have to read it but I need something to give me an outlet for the things happening in my life.

This last month has been one of the hardest times of my whole life. Trying to figure out how to deal with everything that is coming out now in my life has been very overwhelming. I have felt as if I were a little girl again with so much confusion and hurt and anger and sadness that some days it's everything I can do to keep myself so completely busy that I won't break down. If I am being completely honest I feel as if I have lost myself somewhere and I am living someone elses life. I know this is not me but I cannot help the feeling that are coming out. I guess that's what happens when you hold your emotions in for so many years. ;) I have felt so lost this month in trying to figure out what am I supposed to do and where I can go to share all these feelings. I love Kyle so much but and he has been great to me while I am working through this but you can only understand so much without actually experiencing. So this is where I choose to let it all out. I am sorry if some of you don't like how I am changing this for a time but I got to do what I got to do.

At this point I have so many questions and things that run through my mind. Why did they all choose me? Why did it happen for so long? Why was I used and pushed around? Why was I so nice that I let others take advantage of me? Why didn't I tell anyone? Why didn't I show any signs that others were taking advantage of me? I have let the past without even knowing affect my relationships that I have had all through my life. It has always bothered me why I never stay really close to any friends and now I realize that it's because of my walls I have put up and had up for all these many years. Here are some of my thoughts that I wrote a few days ago.

I have been hoodwinked (if you don't know what this means it's something that Roger Anthony talks about.. basically I have been blinded) to think that I cannot trust or love anyone because they will eventually take advantage of me. I know now that there are many relationships that I have missed out on because of this hoodwink. I have never opened myself up to be loved by others because I did not love myself.

Well I am sorry if this ends up being a roller coaster but that is my life right now. That is how it will be until I learn what I need to from this trial.